Check out this link
http://wiki.eqemulator.org/p?Windows...Guide&frm=Main
That gives pretty good instructions on setting up the private login server. This is how I run my server. Will require your friends to modify the eqhosts file on each of their machines, but works great otherwise.
With that said. I'd like to know if there was a way to do both. Can you have the server running on the Private Login Server as well as receive connections from the Public EQEmu server list?
I took a quick stab at including both in my config XML, but when it didn't work right off the bat, I reverted and haven't looked at it since.